So this is the song that I recorded with the help of my friends Jason and Carmen.  This is my letter written in song that’s not to a person, but to lust and everything that comes with it. 

The first verse addresses me getting into to lust not knowing what i was getting into, and thinking it was something i could just stop doing quickly, without any problems, but I figured out how difficult it is being a slave to lust. 

The chorus is about how i try to do things on my own, and how i always fail and end up giving in to sin.  It also talks about how even through my struggles, and even through my mistakes, God is still there right next to me waiting for me to come back with arms open wide. 

The second verse talks about continuing to fight the urges of lust, but also meeting Jesus in all of the madness, and how that started to change my life.  This verse is about my struggle to come to Christ, but still struggling with lust in the process.  

The last verse talks about how I have given my life to Christ, but also how i still struggle with lust, and how its hard to come to God with all my problems, because i was so ashamed.  It also talks about how I learned more and more about God, and it really has nothing to do with how much i can manage my sin, but more about my faith in Christ. 

This song is really about my struggle with sin, but also the victory I have with Christ.  It is still something i struggle with, but I know that God loves me no matter what. 

There have been a lot of things i have learned from lent, and a ton of things that I have learned from this blog. 

I learned that as much as this blog was about giving things up to God, it really helped me realize how broken I really am.  So many people who know me well did not even know a lot of the things i wrote about, and I think it made me realize that although i am open about a lot of things, there are many areas in my life that i hide from people because it is so dark.  It made me realize that I have a lot to improve on, that I am an unfinished piece of work, but God does love me for exactly who i am.

I learned that this blog has also helped other people.  During this time, i received numerous emails, fb comments, texts, and face to face conversations about how this blog has helped them in some way.  I am not saying that I helped them, but I know for sure that God works through peoples mistakes, and i do believe that God will work through all of mine.  Whether people want to be as open as i was in this blog, to be as real or genuine, or the urgency for me to lift things up to God. People saw a different side to me, and they respected me enough to know that even though i am broken, that I am trying to get better, and I am asking for prayers.  I got lots of prayers, and I am happy for all of them, and so appreciative that people take their time to pray for me.

There are people who have judged me in many ways because of the things i have said on this blog.  People saw my faults, and looked at me differently after wards.  I don’t really blame them, although it isn’t the best feeling.    People have gotten angry at me for the things i have said on here, people have thought some letters were to them, and some people thought they deserved letters and never got them.  I am sorry to anyone i have hurt through this blogging process.

There are still a couple more letters to write, but i just couldnt come up with the strength to write them, but I do believe i will eventually.  I know its kind of cheating because its after Easter, but I do feel like God still wants me to lift it up to him, and receive prayers from all the people who read this. 

Thank you for reading this even if you just read one.  Thank you for anyone who prayed for me during this time. Thank you to all the people who contacted me.  I dont thank the haters, but i understand it, and i pray for your forgiveness one day. 

I was planning to release a song last week, but I decided not to because it was holy week, and that song is not holy what so ever, so I will be releasing it tomorrow and it will include an explanation because it may be confusing to anyone who listens to it.  I will be revealing who it is to because i dont want anyone assuming its to them. 

 ¹ Whatever happens, my dear brothers and sisters,^[a] rejoice in the Lord. I never get tired of telling you these things, and I do it to safeguard your faith.

Philippians 3:1

such a simple verse, but i have to constantly remind myself, to rejoice in the lord always, no matter what.  REJOICE IN THE LORD!!!!

I am blessed to have people text me, and actually come and support me.  God, may I never let the bad outweigh the good.  May I always remember how blessed i am. 

Dear _______________,

      I have always known about your presence, but never really got to know you until i got into college.  For the 17 previosu years before that, i was pretty wreckless with a lot of people and things, but you humbled me by all of a sudden having this anxiety disorder.  It has changed my life.  Even after I have given my life to you, i constantly take you for granted.  You have transformed me, and for a while, i thought i had reached my potential, and I was done growing.  You always are growing me into a better person and bringing opportunities for me to be more and more like You.  You have continually blessed me with more and more and i continually take You for granted. You are my hope.  You are my everything.  I am sorry that I treat you as if you arent these things.  I feel like a failure and i feel like i always let you down.  I feel inadequate when i talk to you, and I feel as if you may not want to listen to all my crap.  I feel that this anxiety has been nothing but a burden to me, and that it has made me over sensitive and something that most peopel cant tolerate.  It has been difficult to tell you the truth even though You already know it.  Its hard to tell you that a lot of the tiems, i dont love you with all my heart, and although i havent doubted your existence, there have many times where i have doubted your purpsoe for me, along with your plans.  I still dont know what your plans are for me, and at times i can tcompletely trust it, cause if i did, i wouldnt worry so much.  I am sorry that I took the sacrifice You made for the world for granted.  The fact that you sent your son to die for all of us is too much for me to comprehend, and I pray that Your grace would extend to everyone and that your love would compel people to turn to You and give their lives to You.  I am sorry that You have to deal with my ups and downs all the time, and I am sorry that you have to watch me as i constantly turn my back on you for wordly things.  I am sorry that the world can be so appealing to me while you can seem so distant.  I am sorry that I have made you second at times to myself. I am sorry that I am so prideful that I feel that i can do things all by myself. I am sorry that I have tried to push you to the side when I want things and You dont want it for me.  I am sorry that I ahve blamed you so often when bad thigns happen, and havent given you proper praise when you have blessed me constantly.  I hope that in the the future that I will continue to always get closer to You, and that You will continue to bless me with amazing friends and family.  I pray that You would change my families heart, and they will come to know you and accept you.  I pray that same for all my friends.  You are the best thing that has ever happened to me, and the best thing that will ever happen to me.  I know Your are doing well.

-bryce

The verse I will share is a verse that is constantly used, and people know this, but these words are so true and beautiful.  Its john 3:16, and it says this…

 ¹⁶ For God so loved the world that he gave his one and only Son, that whoever believes in him shall not perish but have eternal life.

Dear ______________ ,

    We have had so many ups and downs together, and im sure more are still to come.  It seems like much of my life, and even still today, a big goal is to please you.  I want to make you proud, and i want to hear you say that your proud of me, and say that you love me.  I always wanted the relationship between us to be like how things are on TV, like full house or family matters, I just wanted us to be able to talk about anything, but it seems that will never happen.  The deepest things we have ever talked about have been my anxiety, and we dont even really go into that.  Mostly we talk sports, and thats about it.  All my life, it seems the only time we pass the surface level in our relationship, is when we are screaming at each other.  Fighting is the worst between us because since we are so similar, we know how to talk to each other, we know how to argue well because we can predict the next words that about to come out.  The way we receive love was always so different.  Yours was acts of service, and mine was words of affirmation, and we couldn’t speak each others languages, and we still really struggle with it.  We want to love each other and show each other love, but it seems its so difficult.  The way you showed love to me was always being an amazing provider financially for me.  I know we have never had a lot of money, but most of it if not all of it went to me, and I have abused that and not always been the most responsible.  I have always been so blessed to never have to worry about money too much, and its because of you always working so hard, but sometimes, all i want, is one real conversation.  It seems so taboo to even think of that ever happening, and dont get me wrong, im very grateful for you providing for me financially all the time, but if i could trade in that money for quality time together and to have some of the relationships i see on tv or with my friends, i would do it in a second.  I hate that I know nothing about you.  I hate that I have not really been able to open up to you about anything significant.  I hate how i know nothing of your childhood except through other people.  I am scared at the fact that from what I hear, you were very talkative and loving as a child, and I am scared that I might turn cold and stand-off ish as I grow up, and i never want that for myself.  and i guess what I want to know about you if what changed you?  What made you become more closed off, what event changed everything like that, or was it multiple series of events? 

The one thing that has been on my  heart a lot about you, is that you scream at night, and I can hear it from my bedroom, and most of the time i run over to you to make sure you ok, but its always you just having a nightmare.  I always wonder what are those nightmares about.  Could I ever have helped you with those things.  I hate that I dont know what your scared of, and what the nightmares entail.  What kinda of nightmares do you have all the time that would cause you to scream so often?  Thats what scares me, and its something i hope wont happen in my home if/when i get married and have a family, that we will actually know each other.  They will know about me more and who i was and who i am now, and I want to know more about them as well. 

Growing up, I loved basketball, and then as you coached me more and more, i grew to despise it.  It wasnt only basketball, it was anything i did, from golf, to baseball, I just couldnt take the criticism.  I remember the day at a tournament for basketball when i was little and i scored 25 point, and at the end of the game instead of a good game, i got a you shoulda made all your free throws.  I never believed i could please you after that game.  How could I ever live up to your expectations, and yea i know you wanted me to always be better, but throw in some positive things once in a while would have helped so much. I know you always loved me, but during that time, i couldnt believe you did.  I never felt good enough at sports, and so now i dont always enjoy playing, unless its totally for fun, and not a lot of competition. 

As I grew up, we sitll fought a lot, but within the past year, something crazy happened, that i will never forget, and it has brought me hope.  You would always get mad at me for random reasons, all deserved, but sometimes just randomly start yelling at me, and i hated it.  We would argue, and somehow you would bring in things i did like 2 years ago and i would get so angry that you would even bring those things up, and then i would bring other things up, and then we both would start screaming.  But this one time we were yelling at each other, and then I made my point clear, and i could not believe what happened next.  You actually said i was right, and you apologized.  For 23 years i never thought that would happen and you know what happened next?  Right after you apologized, it humbled me.  It made me realize my mistakes and how bad and disrespectful I am to you.  You saying sorry showed me how much i needed to grow, and it made me cry because i realized we hit a breakthough in our relationship.  You were willing to admitt you were wrong, and that never had happened before. Right then i realized how wrong i really was, and it made me want to change.  It made me change.  In your weakness, i saw strength, because you were willing to be the bigger person.  I am sorry that i ever made you feel that you had to apologize to me.  I am sorry that I ever caused pain to you to get you so angry.  I am sorry that i shower so much disrespect throuhgout the years, and I am sorry that we are still not close.  I am sorry that I know nothing about your past, and I am sorry that you have been hurt to the point where you cant open up.  I am sorry that I have not been a visible enough light to you that you would ever wanna go to church.  I am sorry that things are still not as they should be between us.  I am sorry i never appreciated all the things you did to sacrifice for my well being.    I  hope God opens up your heart and you are willing to see all that God has for you and how He can transform you, like He has to me.  I hope you are doing well.

-bryce

I will be releasing a song on today (thursday), prolly towards the afternoon, and I hope you enjoy it.  When i release it, i will have an explanation for the song.  The song will count as one of my lettters, and you will soon see why. 

Just a simple verse today that has always been a great one to remember. Its from proverbs 3

 ³ Let love and faithfulness never leave you;
   bind them around your neck,
   write them on the tablet of your heart.
⁴ Then you will win favor and a good name
   in the sight of God and man.

 ⁵ Trust in the LORD with all your heart
   and lean not on your own understanding;
⁶ in all your ways submit to him,
   and he will make your paths straight.^[a]

Dear ____________ ,

      Growing up, I dont remember you too much in my life.  I mean I remember you being there, but I just dont remember you taking a big role in my life.  In many ways, because of other peoples comments growing up, i kinda felt that I was an accident.  I was never supposed to exist.  With you being so much older than me, it made sense.  Growing up, all the cousins and family friends took care of me, and now that I have grown up, i have felt this lost sense of identity.  You were the one who actually belonged to the family and family friends.  All the cousins were around your age, and so you had all these shared experiences with them, and I felt I got cheated.  I felt that I was cheated out of having the luxury of growing up with all tehse family friends and cousins because by the time everyone else was grown up, i was barely born.  Growing up, it was hard to ever really relate to you, and Im sure it went both ways.  we were born in two different eras, and it was hard to see that you could ever relate to me, that you could ever feel the same pain.   It was if pain was invented when i was born, but you had it easy, but i know thats not the case at all.  Only recently, like in the last couple years, have we actually started talking talking.  I think it was because i wanted to be a teacher, and we started to see more commonalities between us.  It was always hard to see your side of things when i was growing up that you wanted the best for me.  I always thought you just didnt like me.  I remember getting into a lot of fights with you when i was younger, but not a lot of good times together are in my memories.  It was just difficult because it seemed as i grew up, i never had my own identity.  It seemed as though i was living in your shadow.  My teachers growing up in school would compare me to you, and i hated it, because i never met those expectations.  When i was introduced to people, they would just say I was your brother.  Its like i never had a real identity, and i wanted to make my own, but it seems like i am following it further by becoming a teacher.  Now when i am hoping it comes to good use by possibly getting a job, it holds no value, and i sometimes i cant help but be bitter.  Its like this label of being compared to you constantly brings negative affects of me never living up to what you were.  I always grew up with this bitterness, that you were so perfect, and i had to not be, and if i ever tried to be, i never would have succeeded.  I try so hard to be different from you even though we have a lot of similarities. Basically, I have always just been jealous that you got to experience the family in their prime.  You got to be with cousins who were your own age, and laugh and have things to talk about like the memories of growing up, when i really dont remember any of it.  You actually have a role in the family at family gatherings, and mine is still to just show up.  I felt/feel maybe i am just a throw in at times.  How do you know all these events going on, and i dont know of them until the day of or the day before?  How are you so connected and me have at times no connectivity?  How are you such a big part of something and me feel like an outsider just trying to fit in?  How can you be recognized as such a great teacher, and im struggling to even find a job?  I know you work hard, and I know you put a lot of time into things, but the secret is, i do too.  I dont like to admitt that i try so hard to fit in, that i try so hard to do well, but I try to look like im not trying, and i try to look like it doesnt matter or i dont care.  But i do.  I am sorry that for so many years, we never have formed a true relationship with each other.  I wish we coulda been like our family friends who have these talks, and can relate on so many levels.  Im sorry that we had to fight so much growing up, and I am sorry I felt you could never relate, because the more i get to know you, the more i realize that we can relate.  I am sorry that sometimes i am so mean and harsh, when all i want to be is a light to you, to show you that God has changed me, and made me better.  I am sorry that i can be disrespectful at times, and I can just snap so quickly, without any explanation, and just explode.  Sometimes, i think its just a build up of so many things in the past, and I never noticed them.  I know your life wasnt easier than mine, and i know you struggle with a lot of the same things i do.  My hope for you would to be one day to see me in a new light, and want to be a part of that by becoming a true believer.  I pray for that constantly, but i dont blame you for not coming, because i havent shown that i have changed.  I am sorry that we still arent as close as we should be, and i hope to get closer as we grow older.  I pray for a revival of a relationship and the start of something special.  I hope you are doing well.

-bryce

This scripture is just from psalms 71, and it is just a reminder that even though at times i may be bitter, i know that God will restore my life and make me stronger. 

²⁰ Though you have made me see troubles,
   many and bitter,
   you will restore my life again;
from the depths of the earth
   you will again bring me up.

Lying down with my roomate in front of me on his desk, I cant help but look behind me outside my window in hopes that the lights would be on from the girls apt.  They arent.  Things just got real that change is coming, and its coming fast.  I cant say i wasted my day today because i did get to catch up even if for a second and do my grocery shopping with a friend that i havent seen or talked to in a long time because of schedule conflicts. 

Dear _____________ ,

       I considered you my second mom, in a lot of ways i still do.  You helped mold my faith, and helped it grow. You challenged me by placing me in positions out of my comfort zone, and it made me stronger and stronger.  You helped me to become a more caring person and a more empathetic person, and that helped me become the person i am today.  You help mold me to become the director of the summer camp which was a goal since i was little.  You made me understand how much hard work it takes, and how little respect and recognition you can get from it.  For most of my community college days, i spent more time with you than i did with my actual mom.  It wasnt always talking, but just proximity made me feel so close to you.  I talked to you about things i didnt talk to my mom about yet, and you were the mom i could talk to about my spiritual growth, and you didnt just encourage it, you helped it. 

     I almost felt in many ways you created a monster.  I was on fire for God.  And i wouldnt let anyone get in my way of what I felt God was calling me to do. This led me to starting a college group, and leading sunday school talking about subjects the kids wanted to talk about, and starting a worship team, and basically wanting to do anything that had to do with God.  At times, I felt that you didnt like what I was doing it or the way I was doing them. I felt when something good would happen, somehow you would only focus on the bad things, and that I would never get praised anymore, just condemned.  I didnt feel like i was getting led anymore, but instead, almost moved aside.  Before, you would encourage me even in my mistakes, but then it became hard to even make the smallest mistake without being called out on it.  Whenever i would plan something with just my close friends, outside of church, having nothing to do with church, i would get in trouble for not inviting people, and that always got me angry, because i hated how my life outside of church was sitll affecting things inside of it.  When we would invite everyone, we would either forget one person and I would hear about it, or no one would come.  I felt like i was a target, the scapegoat. 

I think the perception that was made about me and my close friends made from college group and church was that we were all too cool for everyone.  Heres the truth, and its something i havent really shared with anyone.  The only reason we got close, was because we were all losers.  We all had nothing going for us.  Thats the truth.  So the reason why we were close was because we all had not a lot going for us, our life had taken a turn for the worse, and so we swallowed our pride and depended on each other and hung out because we really had no one else.  So at times it was so frustrating for this perception that we were the ones who were isolating people becasue we were the isolated.  WE HAD NOTHING.  how did it happen where people who had nothing came together and formed something becasue we humbled ourselves and admitted we were losers and get hated on for it.  Even with all this crap, I know I have made plenty of mistakes of not inviting people to things, intentionally and unintentionally, but when i see other people plan their own things, how is it that it was ok for them, but no ok for me.  I know i have messed up, plenty of times.  Im not blameless, but I want to clear things up.  I never wanted to make people feel left out, becasue thats how i felt many times in my life.  I never meant to make you or anyone feel as if i was trying to do this massive take over.  I never wanted that.  I wanted to just do more and more for the place that did so much for me.  Im sorry that the way i did them was offensive to you. That was not ever the intention.  I in fact wanted to make you proud.  I wanted to make you feel as though all the mentoring you did to me was going to pay off, that you would see the fruits that you were producing.  Obviously, it didnt turn out that way.  We fought.  We argued.  You got mad, and I didnt know how to react.  It was so difficult to think that the one who helped me grow, was the one who wanted me out.  I never thought that you would be the one to take my keys away, i always thought youd be the one to fight for them for me, cause you knew how much they meant to me all those years.  I couldnt believe how things ended.  I cant believe it still.  I felt disowned. I felt unwanted.  Yea i made mistakes.  I made so many, and i wish i could take back many of them.  But all I wanted to do even in those mistakes was to glorify God, and to make you proud.  I wanted to show you that the faith you had in me to succeed will not be wasted. 

It hurts to see where our relationship is now.  I long for the relationship to be good again.  I am sorry I hurt you. I am sorry that I did things in ways that you did not like.  I am sorry that I dissapointed you both in my words and actions.  I am sorry if i ever came off as trying to take your job or try to steal your thunder.  I am sorry that things are this way.  I am sorry that we cant joke the way we used to.  I am sorry that you couldnt see more fruit that you helped plant.  I am sorry that I am stubborn, and prideful, and that it took so long to apologize for my stupidity.  If I broke your heart with the, i apologize sincerely, because to know i hurt you, is a feeling i take no pride in.  i thank you for your long commitment to me and my growth in all aspects of my life.  You are still my role model, and I will always look up to you.  I hope you are doing well. 

-bryce

The verse I want to share has been on my heart for a very long time, because it always hit me so hard ever since i left on not the best terms. Its from 1 john, chapter 2.

 ⁹ Anyone who claims to be in the light but hates a brother or sister^[b] is still in the darkness. ¹⁰ Anyone who loves their brother and sister^[c] lives in the light, and there is nothing in them to make them stumble. ¹¹ But anyone who hates a brother or sister is in the darkness and walks around in the darkness. They do not know where they are going, because the darkness has blinded them.

God, help me to see again, and to love all my brothers and sisters.  I want to forgive, and love, so i can be in the light.  I am blinded with this anger, and I cant love God fully until I can put all these letters to rest and lift them up to God.  God, take away all this anger, all this sorrow, and turn it into something that would one day glorify You.

Dear ___________________ ,

     You opened up your doors to me when I was a mess.  You were so welcome to me, and still to this day, I get calls from you saying how much you miss me.  It kills me inside to be gone.  It hurts to know that you all care that much about me, and just so you know, I miss you all so much as well.  You were my second home, and it felt like home being there.  Having keys gave me the freedom to come and go as i choose, just like my home.  My faith grew because of you.  The offices was where I got into worship music, and really found peace.  Your sanctuary was where I got to learn how to play worship, and learned how to be silent with God.  It was the place where I felt closest to God.  Never had i had a place that felt so holy, yet it was a place where i could go at anytime.  Many of you ask about me, how i am doing, and where have i been. I always respond with, ive been good, just finished school, and I live in long beach so its hard to make it out to church.  You gave me my first opportunity with worship, and I was allowed to speak to you on a pulpit, which is unheard of, and i got to lead some of you in a series of events to try to bring the youth and adults togethers.  Sadly, people misinterpreted what i was doing because at the time i was broken, and going through a lot of things, so something i thought was full of God, other people took it as me trying to one up others and show off my talents.  See, this letter is not really meant for them.  This letter is for those who accepted me in my brokenness, and when I was at my highest passion, that you fed that, and you wanted me to succeed.  You wanted me to succeed whether i was with you, or i was somewhere else.  I know some of you were sad when i left, and I still am, i really am.  I wish i could come back, but it seems that for at least now God has placed it in my heart to be with others.  I wish i didnt leave on the circumstances that i did.  I wish you would all know that i didnt leave because of you, but i left because I felt I was getting too routine, and I was getting comfortable to my faith, and when i wanted to grow, that things were stopping me.  I want to let you know my intentions were to stay there my whole life, because i will always remember all the good you have done for me.  I will always remember the hugs, the embrace, the love, because those are things that are of God.  Im sorry that i am not with you anymore.  Although still a member, i have never felt further from you all.  I have slowly transitioned, and it has been so difficult.  the community that you have is special, and i hope to have something that would one day be better so i am not always looking back to what i used to have.  Im sorry i can no longer help the way i did, and I am sorry that I cant make some of you laugh.  I am sorry that I cant be there for you as I should be as some of you are growing older, and some have passed on in the past few months.  Im sorry that you put so much hope in me to be a great leader of the church, and  I never lived up so those expectations.  I am sorry that I never said goodbye properly.  Im sorry i left on such poor terms.  I am sorry i no longer have keys to really have that stillness with God like i had in that place.  I am sorry that I left.  I am not over you, and I am not sure i ever will be.  I envisioned growing old with you, and leading you to be stronger, bigger, and better.  I know God is way bigger than me, and that God has purpose and He will forever reign, so I will leave things up to Him, and try my best to trust that this all happened for a reason.  I hope you are well.

-bryce

2 Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you.

-ephesians 4:32

God, may i forgive those who have hurt me, and may the people i have hurt one day forgive me. 

Easter is in about a week and i have written 32 letters.  Sadly, I feel like I have only at most 6 or 7 to right so i might not have 40 letters.  These last ones are the most difficult, but i pray that this will help me to lift these things up to God, and that God would transform me from them.  I also have a surprise letter coming out soon, and its actually different from the other letters, but it still has the same purpose. 

Lately, as nervous as i have been about my future, I have been feeling sometimes at peace with the fact that God is good and that He has my best interest at heart.  I came to the conclusion that with around 30 more days in long beach, I have a choice of whether to just sulk in the fact, or just try to enjoy the best way i can.  I have decided that I am going to have a marble jar, a put the same amount of marbles as days left i have in long beach, and every day, at the end of the day, i will take it out.  My goal is just to recognize, that the end of a life stage is coming, whether i like it or not, and the marbles will remind me that i need to not waste a day, that i should be trying to serve God by serving others.  I have faith that after I leave, that I will keep some of my friends, at least i hope. 

I am blessed.  I pray even in the darkest times, i remember that.  Most people never experience the community that I experience all the time, and even though there are many lows because of the community, the highs and the love make it well worth it.  Thank you God.

It feels so good to vent.  so good to really verbalize my pain, my bitterness, and anger. Thank you to all that listen.  All your prayers are appreciated. 

Dear _______________ ,

     I didnt really like you when I met you because you were too sensitive for my liking.  I made you cry and you were looked at in my eyes as a person who would tell on me and rat me out.  I never imagined us really as friends, and now that you are with one of my best friends, we became friends.  Since you have gotten with him, i have seen more change in him.  He is a more understanding person, he knows more places to eat, he knows more just about life.  I also dont see him as often, and for a while, it was hard to get him just by himself to talk to him.  For a while, i thought i was losing him as my friend, and i blamed you for it.  Yea he was more understanding, but what he understood was he wanted to spend more time with you, and less time with me.  I mean it makes sense, and i dont blame him for it, but at the same time, i was still angry.  I felt for a while you tore the group up, and things would never be the same, but getting to know you more, it seems that was never your intention.   At times, there has been so much anger towards you, because you tried to jump right in as part of the group, and sometimes i forget that you were semi a part of it before.  I think a big part of me is scared that he wont want to hang out with me when he realizes that your so much more fun than me, that you have so much to offer him, and maybe i dont anymore. I have blamed you for a lot of things that you probably dont deserve, and its because of my own insecurities of losing the people i love around me.  I am sorry that i can get bitter towards you for getting with him, I am sorry that I blamed you for seperating our group.  I am sorry for sometimes not wanting you around.  You have been so supportive and loving, that there really is no reason for my feelings.  Its all about my insecurities and i am sorry that those feelings get in the way of the process of accepting you more.  I am sorry that I really dont make an effort to talk to you, and I am sorry that you are viewed more as his girlfriend, than just a friend to me.  I am sorry that I unfairly put a lot of crap on you when all you are doing is trying to be a friend.  I am sorry i dont always return the texts, or emails, and I am sorry I am not always attentive.  I hope that I can develop that love for you again, and realize in my heart what a loving person you are now both to him and to me.  Hope you are doing well.

-bryce

Today during small group a friend did a devotional and shared this verse, and it really resonated well with what i feel right now.  Its from psalm 25:16-21 and it says

 ¹⁶ Turn to me and be gracious to me,
   for I am lonely and afflicted.
¹⁷ Relieve the troubles of my heart
   and free me from my anguish.
¹⁸ Look on my affliction and my distress
   and take away all my sins.
¹⁹ See how numerous are my enemies
   and how fiercely they hate me!

 ²⁰ Guard my life and rescue me;
   do not let me be put to shame,
   for I take refuge in you.
²¹ May integrity and uprightness protect me,
   because my hope, LORD,^[c] is in you.

God may I use these words as my prayer to You.  Lift me up.  May i have faith, and may I love all those around me. 

God help me to be patient.  Help me to enjoy my time here in long beach, rather than be nervous about my future.  Help me to love the people around me because sometimes i cant.  Help me to leave with good relationships rather than broken ones.  I understand that your plans are perfect, but I cant fully comprehend it, and its still hard to accept fully in my heart.  May I have faith in You. 

Dear __________________ ,

     You were my first best friend ever.  I remember we met at our first basketball clinic, and we would be placed on the same team, and you just seemed weird.  Then I saw you again at Kumon, and I actually said something like i cant believe i keep seeing you.  Then the even crazier thing was when I actually got on my first basketball team, there you were as well.  It was like destiny for us to meet and be friends. Then i wanted you to be in everything i was so I you eventually went to teh same summer camp i went to. The funny thing was we got along really well even though we were complete opposites.  We grew up going on vacations together and our families getting together all time.  You would come to a lot of my family functions and I would go to yours, and it was really like we were brothers.  We grew up and we had our ups and downs for sure.  One joke that we would always talk about was that one time you got this nano kitty, which was like the big thing at the time along with tomodachis, and you knew how much i wanted that thing, cause all i had was a dumb alien one, and i wanted a pet one, adn you said you were gonna give it to me, but you gave it to the girl you liked.  This shoulda been a warning to me and like a foreshadowing of the future.  We then worked the same summer camp we went to together.  It was amazing, cause when we were young, we said we would one day be the directors of the camp together.  We both got to be directors, but just in different years.  You couldnt work with me, and that killed me.  The thing that killed me was everything was done behind my back, and i had to be asked to step down.  When i was told you wanted to be director, i was happy, cause it was going to be the year where our dreams came true, but you werent having that.  It still hurts to think about it, even today.  The experience was humbling, but you did a great job, but it was still difficult to deal with the fact that you didnt want me up there with you, and i had to step down for you to be there.  I was happy for you, but i just wasnt happy with the way thing went down.  We also had a lot of stupid things with girls.  When you got them, i always felt i became irrelevant.  The thing was, and is, Im jealous of you.  You have always been viewed as better than me.  I went to a cal state, you went to a prestigious university. Im teaching and your doing big things across the country.  I never felt adequate around you, and the only way i did was if you would reassure me or my friends would remind me of what a jerk you were.  The one thing i thought I was good with was the summer camp, and when you took that, i just felt worthless, so i took all my anger and bitterness out on you, and I never should have done that.  i didnt really want too much to you, because you knew all the fields you are going to, are not touchable to me, but the one that I was in, you could easily go into and do well.  You dont deserve the anger that is inside of me and I pray that god will help me to love you again.  I have a difficulty loving you even today, because i know you know me well, and you know not talkign to you is difficult, and the worst thing is i know that me not talking to you doesnt really bother you at all.  It never has.  I am sorry that I was a jerk to you so often, and that I wasnt more supportive of your success.  Im sorry that I took our friendship for granted, adn i didnt cherish it more like i should have.  I am sorry we arent friends now, that we dont talk anymore.  I am sorry because if i wasnt so bitter and jealous of you, i know we would still be friends, but instead, i stay prideful, in hopes that i can one day live up to what you are and all of your accomplishments.  I hope that i can humble myself and just come to the realization that i am not you, and that you are special, and that i need to love you because you loved me.  We have both argued and both have been wrong, but we have always came back strong, and i pray that same thing will happen one day so we can become those best friends again.  Maybe one day we can still live out our dream.  Hope you are doing well.

All the anger inside of me made me want to share this verse with you. simple and straight to the point. Its from Ephesians 4,

²⁶ “In your anger do not sin”^[a]: Do not let the sun go down while you are still angry,

God help me to never go to sleep angry, but may i lift my anger up to You and forgive my brothers and sisters, because i know make them angry as well, i know i am not blameless, so god keep my humble, and realize that forgiveness is the least i can do.